you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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