So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
