Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
