I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
