If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
