Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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