i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's never too late to be topless.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
