I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My penis needs a shock collar
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
