Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
