hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
