When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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