I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
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If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying