When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well I just put wine in my tea
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.