but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?