I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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