I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
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On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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