I'm jealous of your bromance
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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