I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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