but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
