96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
