Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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