He disabled his match.com account in front of me
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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