Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
