turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
