Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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