apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize