so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
