i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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