Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Vodka?
Forever.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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