I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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