I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
