Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
