That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
