Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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