At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
