I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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