Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
organizing the empties. That sober.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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