I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
