I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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