my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
