he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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