what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
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she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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