also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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