I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
