I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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