You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
