I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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