ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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