Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
