So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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