thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
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I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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