ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
