Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize