I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
