Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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